


Google is a Fucking Liar

by alicechugstea



Category: Beelzebub (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 11:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6608899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alicechugstea/pseuds/alicechugstea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oga thinks he has heart disease because Furuichi has been cursed! Furuichi honestly doesn't care for emotionally constipated best friends.<br/>Misaki and Hilda are long suffering and yet entertained to the max.<br/>Oga turns to Google to sort out his issues, and thus begins his courtship of love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

Oga doesn’t exactly understand the implications of that quote, nor does he particularly give a shit about Jane Austen in general.  What he does know that in the vast amount of time between the first day he was born and his current life, is that he has built a goddamn empire strong enough to rival anyone and anything, any day.

It’s strange to think that’s he’s amounted to this much - growing from a lonely angry boy that uses his fists for his own fun, to someone who has gathered a group of loyal, ugh, friends, by his side. It’s good, really, being able to command a level of respect he usually doesn’t even have for himself some days, along with the knowledge that if anything ever went to (shit) again, he wouldn’t be doing it alone. He’s not an animal anymore, it seems, feral in his features with an incomprehension of others around him, unable to understand the hand that feeds out of love.

With his own two splintered hands, he has carved an empire both underneath and around him, a little place to call his own. Anyone would be proud of that.

And yet, he stands here, standing under a saturated sunset and watching his best friend gaze across the river. A light breeze kicks in, sending a gentle ruffle through Furuichi’s hair. In this light, the strands float up and dazzle the sun, blossoming into a radiant halo around his face. Oga watches, transfixed, as his best friend drags a hand through his hair, smoothing the halo back down. Even as he stalks back to him with a casual ease, he can’t suppress the shudder that runs through him when he catches the expanse of pale neck in front of him.

Furuichi lets out a sudden yawn and he slaps Oga on the shoulder.

“Let’s go home, the sun going to be gone soon, and I have a new video game I wanna start on.”

Oga bares his teeth in mock aggression, Baby Beel attempting to copy his expression with his eyebrows. Furuichi huffs and flicks both of them in the forehead before fluttering off quickly.

Oga turns to follow, but he can’t shake the searing heat of Furuichi’s touch. It leaves a brand through his uniform, seeping into his skin and raising a trail of goosebumps. He frowns, scratching idly at his shoulder as he follows Furuichi up the side of the hill, back unto the pedestrian path. That burning sensation increases and flows outward, eating up his body like a snake devouring a rat.

He blinks rapidly, heart beginning to race as Furuichi’s turns to face him.

Furuichi scrunches his nose. “Can you hurry the fuck up?”

Oga gapes, face paling as he takes in the way the last rays of the sun glitter in his eyes. He turns to look at Beel, then back to Furuichi.

Oh, oh my god.

Furuichi tilts his head, sneering before snagging both their bags. The heat has encompassed his lower half, resulting in some sort of churning sensation his his belly and the beginnings of some incredibly sweaty palms.

_Oh fuck, Furuichi's cursed!_


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oga does some thinking. It goes as well as you'd expect.

It’s nearly 2am on that Friday night, and yet Oga is still here, buttocks clenched tightly in his desk chair as he rigidly browses through his Google search terms. 

 

Just like with Jane Austen, Oga doesn’t know shit about Google, and even less shit about research. Honestly, whenever they need to find something out, Hilda’s the one that usually provides the down low or it’s Furuichi perusing the field for much needed knowledge. All Oga does is scratch his ass and wait for someone to point at something for him to beat up. 

 

He scrolls through the what fucking ever page of Google, looking for any hint of something suggesting anything else than what he’s already seen. But to no luck, his fate is set in stone. Furuichi’s been cursed, that’s for sure, and it’s causing Oga to have  _ supraventricular tachycardia every time he even dares to look at Furuichi!  _ Well, probably not, but WebMd tells him that his symptoms of rapid heart rate, dizziness, and tingly palms all point to this. 

 

God, the only way to fix it would be have medication or surgery! He can’t even remember to change Beel’s nappy on a regular day, how the hell is he meant to take medication? Oga pales at the thought - good old Oga, grown up to the be the strongest man in the world and yet defeated by some fucker who decided to place a curse on  _ his  _ best friend, which ends up giving him goddamn heart failure. His fate is truly, absurdly, unacceptable, he thinks, a lump forming in his throat.

 

“But how the fuck do I solve this…?” he mutters to Beel (as if the kid could understand, but bonding in times of distress is important for the father son relationship) Beel gurgles in that cute, uncaring way of his, but Oga’s mind is already whirling. He’d have to find a way to break the curse, of course, but that still would take time, and during that time he’d...he’d have to stay away from Furuichi. 

 

He cringes, and even unaware of himself he starts to pace his room. Hell, stay away from Furuichi? How the fuck is he going to manage that? Furuichi’s already a bit of a piss baby, if he’s not at his best buddy’s side 24/7 all kinds of shit is going to go down. What if gets kidnapped again by some new shits on the block? He won’t be there to defend him! 

 

He starts to drag his hands through his hair in frustration - it’s not like Furuichi can even run away  _ that  _ fast. Sure, he’s developed this coltish figure of long limbs in all the running away he’s had to do when they’re dealing with demon shit, but that doesn’t prove anything! Hell, Oga knows he’s a giant sack of dicks on a good day, and on a bad day he’s nothing but a cruel, sadistic brawling machine, but even he knows where to draw the line. Leaving his best friend defenceless like that? Against all the elements of nature - biker thugs, high school thugs, and corporate demon thugs? Like hell! Furuichi has died for him! He’s been sliced up into itty little bits and pieces because of him! And plus, who else is he going to play Dragon Age 2 with on his off days? Hilda? Kuneida?  _ Alaindelon?  _

 

A weird, wet pressure begins to press at the back of his eyelids and that hot churning feeling in his gut is back again. Beel’s gurgling has turned distressed, high pitched and incomprehensible and ringing in his ears. He collapses to the floor and brings his knees tight under his chin. 

 

_ And, and!  _ He won’t even be able to, you know, touch him! Not in that gross, weird way with all the sticky feelings and the gushy sounds, just in the, you know,  _ bro _ way. What if he slips and falls down the stairs? Oga won’t be able to save him by grabbing on to his small slender wrists, and his best friend would meet his complete demise in the shithole that is their high school, lying like a broken, um, what’s a thing, oh yes,  _ like a tangled slinky all mangled and stewn across the dirty tiles! _

 

And the worst part is, the worst part, is that he can’t even  _ look at Furuichi!  _ Looking at Furuichi, well, if Oga wants to be honest, and the only thing he can do is be honest (because there’s a goddamn curse on his beautiful, loyal, sarcastic and shitheaded bestfriend) is that he probably won’t even be able to look at him anymore without his heart stuttering and bursting into a cacophony of fleshy tissue and vivid blood, painting the cavity of his chest with the knowledge that he’s dead from Furuichi’s face. He can already imagine it - Furuichi’s snow white face splashed artistically with a stripe of hot red blood, eyes round and wet in shock as Oga tips backward, like a fat man being catapulted off of a see saw. 

 

That does it. 

 

Oga shoots up and clutches Beel tightly to his chest. He ignores the pangs in his heart (oh my god,  _ oh my god it’s already happening _ ,  _ Furuichi will literally be the death of me _ ) and he sets his fumbling heart on his one goal. He’s going to break the curse, he’s going to break it dead. 

 

The roar he lets out is stunning, desperate and cracking in the middle. Birds rocket out of their trees. The concrete shakes in an imitation of a tiny earthquake. 

 

“ _ Misaki! Hilda! Help meeeeeee!”  _

 

Somewhere, in the distance Furuichi sneezes so fucking hard that his entire laptop screen gets covered in spit. “Ew, gross Takayuki! Can’t you use a tissue like a normal person?” Honoka screeches as he scrubs at his screen.

 

He sniffles and wiggles a finger underneath his nose.  _ Huh,  _ he thinks.  _ Someone must be thinking about me really hard. I wonder if it’s that super cute girl I rang into last week?  _

 

Oh Furuichi, ignorance truly is bliss. 


End file.
